


Kingsman's Nursery

by elletromil



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Kindergarten & Pre-school, Crushes, First Crush, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Gen, Kid Fic, Nice!Chester, Nice!Valentine, Same Age Everyone, but you can totally choose to ignore it, there is also a blink and you will miss it actual relationship in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 15:05:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7392130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elletromil/pseuds/elletromil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It is by sheer luck that James witnesses Princess Tilde’s kidnapping.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>  <i>He’s only walking in the area, minding his own business, when he notices the infamous criminal mastermind Valentine and his deadly bodyguard Gazelle forcing the princess into a car.</i></p><p> </p><p>In which they are all children except for Chester and Valentine, but they're all spies too (or princesses).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kingsman's Nursery

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Skyefallen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyefallen/gifts).



> So nearly a year ago, I had this plot bunny about everyone being children except for Valentine and Chester who would be their teacher and how Kingsman was basically the plot for a spy-game they were playing.
> 
> At the time, I told a dear friend of mine that I would actually turn it into a fic and well, this is the result! I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> As for you Dia, you are as always the sweetest of all pandamuse <3 I hope you like you gift :D

It is by sheer luck that James witnesses Princess Tilde’s kidnapping.

He’s only walking in the area, minding his own business, when he notices the infamous criminal mastermind Valentine and his deadly bodyguard Gazelle forcing the princess into a car. As any good spy would do, he tries to stop them but no matter how good he is, and he is good, he is no match to Gazelle and after a long fight, she ends up killing him by cutting him in half.

(“Wait, how would I cut you in half?” the little girl asks with a serious frown. She is not against the idea, merely curious as to the _how_ of it since they had been fighting hand-to-hand.

“Hmmmmmmm,” James frowns in concentration, then suddenly smiles in triumph, “your prostethics! They would be actual blades!”

“That’s sick!” Gazelle screams with delight, looking at her legs with wonder. “Do you think I could really have something like that Mr Valentine?”

Mr King stops his fellow teacher from answering by putting a hand over his mouth.

“I think it is best if this particular idea stays the product of James’ imagination.” The two children pout at the answer, but Mr King would rather deal with two sullen children than with the questions Gazelle’s parents are bound to ask when their daughter tries to use the kitchen knives as legs. “Come now James, your mother is there to pick you up for your dentist appointment.”

James sulks a bit at having to leave mid-game, but doesn’t complain that much. Mr Valentine praises him for being reasonable for once while Mr King simply rolls his eyes and leads the boy away to his mother. He knows James’ mostly quiet acceptance has more to do with the fact that Percival, his usual partner-in-crime, isn’t in today because he caught the cold that’s been plaguing Kingsman Nursery’s charges this week.

However, he knows better than to try and break Mr Valentine’s hopes that the children are becoming sensible members of society. Not that he has any doubt that they will, but that’s going to be at least twenty years down the line rather than before they have to leave for primary school.)

Merlin is the next one to find out about the kidnapping as he is investigating James’ death. How he even knew about it in the first place is a mystery, but the others are used to Merlin just _knowing_ things. He’s definitely the smartest among them, so that he would know about an agent’s death just makes sense.

He’s looking for a reason as to why Gazelle would be involved in their friend’s demise when he finds out about Princess Tilde’s disappearance from the area and he doesn’t take long before putting two and two together. A bit more digging makes him found out about Valentine’s world domination-slash-destruction plans and while the man is beyond their reach for the moment, he finds information about an associate of his, a certain Professor Arnold that could probably help them get the intel necessary to stop the madman before it’s too late.

(“I just don’t understand how you would find all this information,” Charlie says with confusion.

“I’d be hacking, duh,” Merlin scoffs, never appreciating having to explain himself. Charlie still looks confused and one disapproving look from Mr King is enough for Merlin to try again, more gently this time. It’s not Charlie’s fault he’s not as smart as him. Even Roxy and Eggsy are frowning in uncertainty at the term. At least Harry doesn’t, but well Harry is his best friend. _Of course_ he’ll know what hacking is. “Let’s just say I can do computer magic.”

“Ah yes! We have a wizard on our side!”

Merlin would protest Eggsy’s statement because magic has no place in the spy world, but Roxy grins at him before he can open his mouth for a rebuttal. As always when the girl is smiling at him, his stomach goes all funny-like, he can feel his cheeks getting hot and he can’t remember whatever he had been about to say.

A polite cough make them all look back at Mr Arnold, the janitor, still patiently waiting for them to decide who would be the one interrogating him.

“I don’t want to rush you kids, but I still have other rooms to clean and the trash from lunchtime won’t throw itself away.”)

Merlin sends the lead about Professor Arnold to his long-time friend Harry Hart, trusting him to make the man talk.

And talk the man does. After all, he’s merely a scholar, he hasn’t been trained in the art of hiding information, especially when threatened with violence.

Valentine’s plan is simple but appalling and nonsensical. In an attempt to save the Earth, he wants to kill off three fourth of the population using some kind of device that will generate a killer signal that will make people’s heads explode.

Before they can learn where the device is kept however they are betrayed and Professor Arnold is killed by one of their own.

To protect the man from any sort of retribution from Valentine, Merlin had sent another spy, Charlie, to help relocate the Professor to a safe house.

Unbeknownst to the tech Wizard, Valentine had made an offer to Charlie he simply couldn’t refuse and the man was now working for the evil mastermind.

Once he had showed up on the scene, he had not hesitated for a second before killing the poor Professor with a bullet through his head, fleeing before Harry realised his treachery.

Losing his double agent had been a blow to Valentine’s plan, but not as much as if his secret lair had been found out. To reward Charlie of his quick thinking, he welcomed him on the premises, but forced him to entertain Princess Tilde as a punishment for not having found a way to keep his cover from being blown.

(“What is it Charlie?” Mr King asks the boy quietly after making sure the other children were distracted by the janitor’s dramatics while being ‘interrogated’. It would be a bit over the top for any other public, but the kids really seemed to enjoy his performance.

The boy seems reluctant to answer and Mr King thinks he might still be feeling a bit sore from the rude way Merlin had answered him earlier. He’s about to take the other boy aside to and force him to apologize before having yet another talk to him about respect when Charlie whispers something, looking everywhere but at him.

“It’s just that… I, I wanted to play princesses too.”

The answer surprises him, if only because Charlie has admitted it out loud. The boy usually mocks Tilde for always wanting to play this game, even if he’s the first and most committed to the scenarios when they decide to play it. It fills Mr King with warmth to think Charlie is finally starting to feel comfortable enough at Kingsman to speak honestly.

He nods seriously and waves Mr Valentine over to explain the situation, his fellow teacher getting a crazy gleam in his eyes at once that makes it clear he knows exactly what to do so that Charlie can be Tilde’s playmate while still conforming to the storytelling of a spy world.

Not for the first time, he wonders why on Earth he ever thought working with this madman would be a good idea.)

Charlie’s betrayal hurts, even more so when it is impossible to say what kind of secret he’s sneaked off to Valentine before Merlin could remove all his access.

They’ve lost their best lead and a trusted friend, but Merlin and Harry both know better than to isolate themselves. If they want any chance at stopping the madman before he succeeds in destroying the world, they’ll need all the help they can get.

It’s no surprise then that they call in another famous team of spy they have been known to work with before, Roxy and Eggsy.

And usually they would be doing their things, each team on their own, but today, time is of the essence and Roxy is good at the technology stuff too and Merlin can use another head right now.

(Eggsy’s heart beats faster when Harry takes him to the side and he can feel his cheeks flush and he tries not to remember Valentine telling him he was dealing with a crush when he told him about it some weeks ago. It’s not that he denies that he has one on Harry, but Harry is just so nice and cool and he doesn’t want him finding out and stop talking to him.

He’s so intent on not letting Harry know about his stupid crush on him, that he completely misses what the boy is telling him at first, but one part makes him take notice.

“Merlin _what_?” The ‘what’ is muffled by Harry’s hand, but his outburst hadn’t been loud enough to attract any of the other’s attention.

“Merlin _likes_ like Roxy. I know she is your best friend but maybe we could be a team today so that he can be a team with her?” For the first time in his life, Eggsy sees Harry looking shy and he didn’t know it was actually possible for the other boy to be so. He’s always so sure of himself, has been since Eggsy’s first day at the nursery where he had been hanging at the back until Harry had taken his hand and dragged him to the table and put a paintbrush in his hand.

“Of course we can!”

“You sure you don’t mind?”

“You’re kidding right? Roxy would kill me if she knew I said no.” He looks around to make sure no one is listening before getting closer to whisper what he has been sworn to keep secret under threat of his favourite car being destroyed. “She _likes_ like Merlin too!”)

They send Eggsy and Harry to infiltrate one of Valentine’s known hideouts in Norway and they luck out when they find some paperwork about a secret bunker in a mountain in Sweden.

Of course, the second they find the paperwork is the same that Gazelle convinces Valentine to initiate the self-destruct sequence for all the hideaways he no longer uses and Harry and Eggsy have to run for their life to get away from the explosion.

Harry and Eggsy somehow got separated as they are fleeing, but fortunately, Roxy and Merlin still find a way to get each of them safely back to their HQ where they’ll regroup before their last confrontation with Valentine and Gazelle.

And this time, they’ll get help from their famous leader, Chester King who has stopped Valentine countless time before. This time, it will be a piece of cake!

Or so it should have been, but when Eggsy gets back to HQ, he knows at once that something is wrong when Harry isn’t there to greet him. He should have been back hours ago and he isn’t foolish enough to have left without backup.

His worst fear, that Harry has been killed, is confirmed by Valentine himself, the man having sent him a video to gloat about Harry’s demise. Even more horrible, Chester King is actually the one behind the murder and nearly kills Eggsy too, only to be stopped just in time by Roxy and Merlin.

(Eggsy notices Harry’s absence from their main room right away as he comes back from his bathroom break. Before he can ask where the other boy is, Mr Valentine starts laughing maniacally.

“He’s been killed Eggsy! By no one else than Chester King! You’ve been betrayed again!”

He would call him a liar, but Gazelle at his side looks far too smug for it to be anything but the truth.

He doesn’t hesitate one second before attacking Mr King as soon as he comes back, cursing him for being a traitor and killing Harry.

“Killing Har-?” One look at Mr Valentine’s evil expression is enough for Mr King to surmise what must have been said during his absence from the game. “No, no Eggsy. I did not kill Harry. He’s just still somewhat exhausted from the cold he had last week and he has started his nap early. I’ll even take you to him if you don’t believe me.”

“No! No! You’ll kill me like you did Harry, don’t touch me, don’t touch me!”

Focused as he is on the hysteric child, Mr King never notices Merlin and Roxy creeping on him, at least not until it’s too late. Soon he finds himself bound to a chair and he’ll personally kill the genius who thought teaching knots to the kids was a good idea.

Bloody Valentine.)

Even if the trio is devastated by the most recent events, the world depends on them and they have no choice but to carry on. Eggsy is the most determined, fully intent on keeping his promise to Harry, to stop Valentine no matter what.

After a series of events, each more unbelievable than the other, they finally made it to Valentine’s lair. This time Eggsy and Merlin are the ones to team up to stop the madman while Roxy takes care of the redoubtable Gazelle. Needless to say, they succeed and even free Princess Tilde from her tower.

They aren’t really happy to be seeing Charlie the traitor again, but they cannot refuse anything to an actual Princess either and so they decide to let her deal with him when she insist she turn him into a good guy again after kissing him.

This is about the time Chester King comes back to life to exact revenge on them, but that is another mission entirely.

(“Nap time. Now.”

None of the kids would ever dare disobey the strict Mr King, especially not when he’s still twisting the remnants of the rope he had been bound with, as if he intends to use it on them if given half a chance.

Quickly they scamper off to the small room where they all nap and Eggsy cannot help but sighing in relief at the sight of Harry’s unmistakable form in his usual spot near the wall. And usually, Merlin is the one sleeping at the boy’s other side, but he doesn’t think Merlin will complain if he gets to spend a bit more time with Roxy and Eggsy really wants to tell Harry about all he’s missed as soon as they wake.

In fact, he plans to wake Harry up as soon as Mr Valentine and Mr King will leave the room, but his head has barely hit the pillow that he is fast asleep.

Satisfied that all the children are soundly sleeping, the two teachers leave the room to go tidy up the main one.

Mr Valentine barely has the time to close the door that Mr King is already hissing at him in anger.

“If you ever pull a shit like this on me, I don’t care if the children see, I’ll punch you in the face.”

Maybe if he hadn’t mentioned the children, Mr Valentine would have believed him, but he actually knows how much Mr King care about them and the last thing he wants is to be a bad example for them. “Psssh, I’d like to see you try.”

“Don’t bloody test me Richmond! I know where you live.”

Mr Valentine rolls his eyes at that one, mumbling an exasperated ‘ _i fucking hope so_ ’ that Mr King chooses to ignore. Nothing more is said between the two men as they clean up, but Mr Valentine knows he’s already been forgiven his little stunt when Mr King thanks him warmly for the cup of tea he’s being offered before they leave to watch over the children’s sleep.)


End file.
